What You See And What You Don't
by makesomenoiseboys
Summary: Brittany's smarter than most people think...
1. 1

Re uploading onto my new account, which is why it's set in series one.

Sorry the first chapter's short!

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><p>People think I'm dumb. I am I guess. Well I know I'm not smart, not when it comes to lessons and school and well <em>knowledge. <em>But I see things. I notice how the clouds form shapes in the sky like white fluffy shape shifters. I notice how even though Puck puts on a tough exterior; he's just a softie. I see the way he looks at Quinn, like she's his sunshine, the way he looks at Finn, so sad that he's lost his one and only best friend. I notice how determined Matt looks when he sings - just because he's not the lead, it doesn't faze him. I look at Mike looking at Tina looking at Artie. The pain in his eyes breaks my heart. The way Finn and Rachel's hearts beat in time. She tries to boss him around, but really she likes it when he takes the lead. Mercedes is so angry and frustrated all the time. I can see it hidden behind her diva-ish personality. And Kurt. Kurt is just a little boy swamped in nice clothes and great hair. Hiding behind his beautiful face is an even more beautiful child. Waiting to become a man. I notice how Mr Shuester looks so longingly at Rachel and Finn and Artie and Tina and Quinn and Puck. His misses his wife, who she used to be. He needs that funny guidance counselor to love him, and need him too.

And then there's Santana. I notice her all the time. But nothing about her - she's built up a wall of popularity and fake beauty and angry, angry voices. But she was beautiful. Before, when we were kids and we'd play at the park. But that Santana's gone… All I want is for her to be happy. She pretends she is and she's so obviously not. Sometimes, in glee practices, she'll sing, and there'll be that glimmer in her eye. When she laughs - which isn't often - it's warm and loving and heartfelt. Then it's gone and the other Santana is back - the one who thinks it's too much to return a smile.

She's lost a part of herself. And I need to help her find it - I will, I promise. My one goal in life is to make my San the happiest girl in the world. I need her laugh and her smile and her love. But for now, I'll take her pinkie, and I'll make do. Until I find that part of her… and make her beautiful again.


	2. 2

I remember the day she broke my heart.

I'd failed yet another math test and had to stay behind after school. That meant I had to miss Glee. The detention lasted an hour, and so I went to go apologize to Mr Shue for not being at Glee, which was just finishing at the same time. I walked into the rehearsal room and everyone was in there, packing up their stuff - music sheets, song lyrics… just stuff. It didn't really matter what.

"Mr Shue!" I called, walking up to the piano that he was leant against. "I'm so sorry I couldn't make it to practice - I failed another math test and got a detention and-" He cut me off.

"That's _ok _Brittany," He said laughing, "Here's the song we'll be doing this week - go home and look it up," So the took the lyrics. The Call by Regina Spektor was written in block capitals at the top of the page. I'd never heard of the song, or the artist - I only ever really listened to chart stuff - pop, R&B, nothing out of the ordinary for a teenage girl. Santana came up behind me.

"Hey Brit! Where have you been?"

"Detention," I replied, turning round to look at my best friend in the whole world.

"Fail another math test, eh?" She said, smirking. I loved her to bits, but she always managed to make me feel dumb. She was popular and smart. And I hated it. But I smiled anyway.

"Yep," I laughed it off, I wasn't going to let her know she'd upset me. She looked at me with those dark eyes and I wanted so bad to see that twinkle. She used to remind me of the sunshine. Now she reminds me of the rain. I remember thinking 'Together we could make a rainbow.' How wrong I had been.

I went home and listened to the song for Glee. It was sad, yet happy. Strong yet soft. And very beautiful.

_It started out as a feeling_

_Which then grew into a hope…_

I sat on my bed and listened and cried. Cried about how my mom always shouted at me for having 'the stupid gene, just like your father!' Cried about how my dad had left, because he didn't want us anymore. Cried about how people teased me and how Kurt called me crazy when I got him a fish for his birthday. Cried about how that fish died after I had to take it home again with me. Cried for all the times people have laughed and pointed and whispered my name. Cried for all the times I've wanted to tell San that she's more than just a friend to me and I want to be with her forever.

I stoop up off my bed and turned the music off. I wiped all that stupid make up off my face and changed into something more comfortable than that ridiculous cheerio outfit. I put on my pumps and ran out the door, calling to mom that I was just going over to Santana's for a bit, and that I'd be home for ten.

I got there and walked right up to the front door. I pulled my hand back and went to knock, but something stopped me. I stepped back and looked. And suddenly all that courage had gone and I was stood in the rain outside Santana's house, in just jeans and a t-shirt with my hair all wild and no make up on and no anything, because I couldn't even face my best friend. I'd always hated rain, but in that moment I felt better for it. It hid the tears that snaked down my cheeks.

Then I heard a window open above me.

"Brittany! What the hell are you doing out there?" Santana yelled, and she run downstairs and let me in. "Come on, come upstairs - I'll get you something dry to wear," She said, and I stood by her bed, not knowing where to look or what to touch or what to say. She'd been in here so many times, and always felt so comfortable. And now everything was wrong. Because I wasn't dumb, airhead Brittany anymore. I was sticking up for myself, and that meant telling the truth. Santana walked back in.

"Santana… I love you," I managed to say. It was quiet, but I knew she heard.

"I love you too silly, you're my best friend!" She said, smiling. When we weren't at school, she was the old San, fun and friendly with a permanent smile.

"Why do you do that?" I blurted out without thinking. She looked confused.

"Do what?"

"Act like a bitch at school. Treat people like they're not worth anything just because they're not friends with you. Act like just because you're on the Cheerios you can do and say whatever you want. I thought Glee was changing you. I thought you'd realised…" She looked at me like she knew I was right. Then she shook her head.

" You're tired Brit. You've obviously had a long day. Maybe you should go - I'll see you at school tomorrow, yeah?" I took that as my cue to exit, and walked to the door.

"Better to be feared than to be loved," She said. She never saw the tears that fell.

She never knew she broke my heart.


	3. 3

After I got home from Santana's I was wiped out. I was exhausted from the running. Not just literally. I run too far to fast just to get away from the demons chasing me. But they're always faster still. Sometimes I just wish I could stop the world. For a minute, an hour, a day. Just stop and catch my breath. I never had a chance, so I got home and collapsed on my bed.

BZZZ

My alarm woke me up and I almost had a heart attack. There was a blissful moment where last nights broken dreams were forgotten, where my mind had stopped playing over the way Santana avoided saying that she loved me too. She knew I meant it. I thought she did… but now, I wasn't so sure.

I got out of bed and jumped in the shower. I stood there and let the water hit me, washing away the tears that had stained my cheeks. Washing away the memories of me and Santana - the way we were before this obsession of being the best grabbed hold of her. She always tried too hard, she pushed people away, she took any trace of good and made it bad. She used to be so sweet and innocent. That girl had gone.

The day went slower than normal. I seemed to get called on in every class.

"Brittany - four times three?"

"Twenty?"

Mrs Keats gave me that look. That look reserved for only the well, _special _people. I can't help being stupid, but I know she hates me for it. I can see it when she's looking over at my work. Ever since she tried to give me extra tutoring. It failed miserably and she's hated me ever since.

The bell rang for the end of the day. I held back, taking as long as I possibly could to pack my things away. I was last out of the classroom by at least ten minutes. I walked down the now empty hallway to the choir room, to glee, to all those supposedly friendly faces. To her.

I opened the door and, aside from Mercedes, who turned, smiled and turned away, no one even saw me come in. San was busy in conversation on her cell phone. Talking to one of those other girls on the squad. The ones like her, who thought popularity was everything. I hated her and loved her - wanted to kiss her and slap her round the face all at the same time. And all it took was that one look up and I was gone. Her big, round velvet brown eyes were staring at me, questioning, beckoning. Her lips quivered at each end, a half smile to say hi. She pulled her hair band out and her black curls came cascading down, past her tanned shoulders. I hated that she made me feel this way, I hated that I wanted her - _needed_ her so much. I smiled back, but went to sit at the other side of the room. _She won't break me _I thought.

Tina smiled when I sat down next to her.

"Hi,"

"Hey," She turned back to Artie, continuing their conversation. I looked up and saw Mike staring at the back of Tina's head. I recognised that look. I wore that look everyday when Santana would walk past. He wants her so badly, but he's not the guy for her. I wanted to tell him it'd be ok, and just as I thought this he noticed me looking, noticed that I'd seen _him_ looking. His eyes went wide and he laughed nervously, turning back to Matt.

_It could always be worse, _I thought, _you could be me._

Santana looked over at me and waved. Her words were echoing though my mind.

_Better to be feared than to be loved…_

She'd rather be popular, rather have her fake cheerleader friends than have me. Her one best friend in the whole wide world. The one who was there in 9th grade when she lost her virginity to Alex Brendan and totally regretted it. The one who was there when her sister left, the one who was there when she went to get that abortion…

I can't believe Puck knocked up two girls in one year. Not that he'll ever know.

I ignored her and looked away.

"Hey Brittany - Brittany what's wrong?" She called, walking over to me. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I tried to tell her yesterday and she avoided it. But I just… _Fuck it _I thought.

"I fucking love you that's what's wrong!" I shouted, "I tried to tell you yesterday, but you laughed it off. I love the way your hair falls over your shoulders, the way your nose twitches when you laugh. The way our pinkies fit together and the way you always know what I'm going to say…" Everyone was staring. Santana, my San was stood there. "But I hate it too," I carried on, "I hate the way you make me feel. I so scared of the way you control my life! I just want you to understand and not judge me. I've loved you ever since I met you. I think I was 11. I never understood until about a year ago. I thought it was wrong. I thought I was wrong. To be in love with another girl…" A single tear fell from her cheek.

"But it's not about that, is it? It's about how everything is about you now. Everything's always about you whether you want it to be or not. You fucked it all up and now it's wrong and can never be right again… " She came right up to me. We were both crying. I never noticed Mr Shue walk in while I was screaming. I never noticed that I was shaking until I'd finished. I always noticed things people didn't see. Except you can't notice things in yourself, can you? Because it doesn't work that way.

"Im just…" I could tell Santana was struggling.

"Do you love me too or not?" I said. It was meant to come out strong, shouting, let her know how I was feeling. I was hardly more than a whisper, and my voice cracked.

"It's…" For once _I_ got to finish _her_ sentence.

"Better to be feared than to be loved," I said, throwing her own words back at her in a desperate bid to get her to realise. She just stood there, looking desperate. I couldn't take it anymore. The whole room was staring, not a word left anyone's lips though. Not even miss Rachel Berry, who always had something to say, made a noise. She just held onto Finn's hand as if she thought the floor was going to cave in. They all looked the same. Wide eyes, with fear written across them like a fairytale gone wrong. They didn't know the half of it. San still hadn't said anything so I closed the tiny gap between us. I looked her right in the eye.

"Whatever was there, it's gone. It's all over,"

I left that choir room thinking I'd never go back in again. For like the third time that day I was wrong. I don't know what went on in there after I left. I don't really want to know either, but it can't have been good.

Whatever happened, I hope she finally got a taste of what it feels like to be me. The one people talk about, the one people laugh about, the one people don't want to be compared to.

The_ dumb _one.


	4. 4

The last chapter! Enjoy…

It had been a whole week since I shouted at Santana. I'd tried to avoid her at school, sat away from her in lessons, didn't go to glee. I quit the cheerio's too. It all just seemed so pointless - it wasn't fun without my best friend there with me. I saw her looking at me across the classroom or in the cafeteria. But I'd just look away. I just wasn't ready to talk about this. I didn't think she was either. But I missed her so much. She was the only one who could put up with my not-very-smartness and the way I just said what I wanted to say.

As the bell rang on Friday afternoon I went to go home for the evening, excited about the prospect of a relaxing weekend, when Rachel, of all people grabbed my arm.

"Hi Brittany!" She said, all bright eyed and bouncy as always. She reminded me of the sun. The way she always shined no matter what. I couldn't help but laugh. "You coming to glee rehearsal today?"

I was going to say no, but she looked so excited for whatever reason… I felt like I had to. I smiled.

"Yeah ok - come on then," I said, wending my mum a text to tell her I was staying after school. Me and Rachel walked arm in arm to the auditorium, and she never said anything about last weeks outburst. In fact I was surprised no one had said anything about it. We walked through the doors and I was confused because all the lights were out - I didn't know what to think. Rachel led me to a place at the front of the room while my eyes adjusted to the light. Music started to play, and I guessed that I was going to see their latest Glee number. A single spotlight hit the stage, and there she was. Santana stood on her own in a white summery dress with her charcoal hair cascading around her shoulders. Pretty much all of her makeup had gone and she looked so beautiful. Her eyes sparkled in the dim light as she looked at me and began to sing.

_Nothing is so good it lasts eternally_

_Perfect situations must go wrong_

_But this has never yet prevented me_

_Wanting far too much for far too long._

_She began to walk forwards, toward the front of the stage. Her voice was so strong and clear and I just wanted to reach out and touch her, hold her, show her what I was feeling._

_Looking back I could have played it differently_

_Won a few more moments who can tell_

_But it took time to understand the girl_

_Now at least I know I know her well_

I laughed as I realized she'd changed the word 'him' to 'her'. I stood up and sang along. It was like everything was coming together. At last.

_Wasn't it good?_

_Wasn't she fine?_

_Isn't it madness_

_She can't be mine?_

_But in the end she needs_

_A little bit more than me_

_More security_

_She needs her fantasy_

_And freedom_

_I know her so well._

_Looking back I could have played it differently_

_Won a few more moments who can tell_

_But it took time to understand the man_

_Now at least I know I know him well_

I climbed up on to the stage and took her hands. I saw the whole rest of glee club was watching. I smiled as I realized it had all been planned.

_Wasn't it good?_

_Wasn't she fine?_

_Isn't it madness_

_She won't be mine?_

_Didn't I know_

_Isn't it madness?_

_She won't be mine?_

_But in the end she needs a_

_Little bit more than me_

_More security_

_She needs her_

_Fantasy and freedom_

_I know her so well_

_It took time to understand her_

_I know her so well_

The music faded and everyone clapped. We just stood there, lost in each other's eyes. All that hurt had gone. All the bad feelings had faded away. And once again it was me and Santana, Santana and I, best friends… forever.

"I'm so sorry," She whispered, pulling me into a hug, "You were right. I don't need popularity or the cheerio's or glee club. I just need you."

"It's ok," I whispered back. I heard everyone shuffling around, leaving the auditorium. Me and San stayed a little longer, wrapped in each other's embrace, breathing in each other's smell, feeling like things finally fitted. She pulled away and smiled. It took a long time, but I found her. Happy, fun smiley Santana, my Santana was back. And I was never going to let her go.

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><p>There you go! A happy ending :)<p>

I thought maybe I could rewrite this story from the point of view of Santana? Would anyone read that?

Reviews are love! :)


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